I have a fantasy and it goes like this: a political party is formed, running on an anti-social-media platform. It campaigns on a pledge to ban social media. (“SWITCH IT OFF” is its straightforward, and elegant, slogan.) The party wins a general election and at midnight, on what comes to be known as Social Media Freedom Day, the prime minister pushes a giant button that blocks all access to social media. Crowds cheer. On the anniversary of Social Media Freedom Day – which becomes a bank holiday, of course – children burn effigies of Mark Zuckerberg and dress up as the Twitter bird.The ravings of a demented madwoman? Well, yes. It's a 'Guardian' column, after all! What else would you expect?
I write this as someone who owes her career and her partner to social media. I had no journalism qualifications, (Ed: Really...?) connections or experience when I began blogging in the mid-2010s, and through Twitter I was able to get a paid internship that gave me my start in journalism.
But as time has gone on I have become more and more certain that the solution to many of the most pressing issues of our time is simply to switch social media off.We can all do that, any time we want!
Of course I could delete all my social media accounts. Cancel my season ticket to The Discourse; stop watching as a new villain of the day is crowned on Twitter. You think I don’t want to do that?
What's stopping you?
I need a responsible adult to do it for me. I’ve had enough of the bad feelings machine. Won’t somebody switch it off? Please? Can we switch it off?
Aren't you one of those? Oh, silly me. Of course you aren't...