How Dare You Like It Here!

Emma Beddington takes issue with US celebrities having the temerity to ... enjoy a visit to the UK. Yes. Really.

What do they see that we don’t in this island where ecologically dead rivers run with sewage, three in 10 children live in poverty and 1 million experience destitution? A Ukrainian woman returned to her “very dangerous” war-torn home town to access adequate dental treatment. It’s not like our problems are well-hidden. Surely Parker read the New Yorker’s depressingly comprehensive recent piece about 2024 Britain: the “worst period for wage growth since the Napoleonic wars”; stalled life expectancy; the return of rickets. How can you be “deeply in love” with that?

Because it's my country right or wrong, Emma. 

It’s easy to be charmed by difference, I suppose. When my American friend visited, she got the full baptism of British fire: LNER trains, weather, heart-in-mouth driving on rough, single-lane roads, a bizarre encounter with some Richard III, erm, eccentrics and unwelcoming pubs peopled with ominously silent men. She loved it (except our road collision with a “garbage can”).

What a pity you can't. Or won't. 

Crucially, too, A-list anglophiles can live in a perfect British bubble they have the means to maintain: Ted Lasso’s London of charming stuccoed houses and chirpy pub-goers; country idylls in Cornwall or the Cotswolds. Their 1% experience has little – basically nothing – in common with life for households on the UK’s average income of £32,500.

We are truly in the pit of national despair, understandably, and I wonder if it’s helpful to see through their eyes that there are good bits of Britain: Rob Delaney calling the NHS “the pinnacle of human achievement”, say, or Parker being thrilled by London’s diversity.

I think personally I'd choose very different 'good bits' to those.  

It’s hard not to fixate on how awful everything is, so I appreciate being reminded that there are still things worth fighting for, if only because that is a more productive feeling than hopelessness.

It seems you like to wallow in hopelessness, though.  

Remember When Music Belonged To Everyone?

The beauty of writing a song that revolves around a universal idea is that people feel like it could be theirs: it voices the way they’re feeling.The first time I heard my band Chumbawamba’s hit Tubthumping played at the ground of my local football club, I was standing at the urinal in the toilet underneath the stands, pissing the afternoon away with scores of other blokes, ready for the match. I walked up to my seat and watched people singing along to what had instantly become, in that moment at least, their song.

How nice. A pleasant enough ditty with a repetitive beat. But hardly a great tune that will live forever. Why are we hearing about it now? 

Tubthumping belongs to the guests at the wedding who sing it in celebration. It belongs to the Italian anti-fascists who sing it in defiance on a demonstration. It belongs to cancer patients going through chemotherapy, seeing every successful bout of treatment as a personal victory. I know that all these people have taken the song as theirs, because they write to tell us.

OK, so what are you complaining about? I mean, since this is the 'Guardian' you must be complaining about something.  

But there’s a problem with these universal songs – they can be hijacked by people who clearly don’t understand the spirit in which they were written, and want to use them to aggrandise themselves, or to sell ideas that aren’t universal at all.

Ah. Right.  

Because that’s the thing with songs, with literature, with art, theatre, cinema, with most of the beautiful, creative, cultural things we love – they are very rarely created by those on the political right. The bigots don’t have any good songs of their own.

Are you sure? I mean, in the very same pages we are always reading about how some classic works of the past are really evil right-wing tracts or monuments or institutions produced by blood-soaked right wing demagogues. Even former darlings of the left aren't immune.  

Let me be clear: the song Tubthumping was written to celebrate the resilience and tenacity of working-class folk who keep fighting when the chips are down.

But only if they aren't fighting against having their neighbourhoods and workplaces filled with immigrants, eh, Boff old chum? If that were to happen, you'd be back in the pages of the 'Guardian', squaling that it wasn't written for these working class folk after all.

It has nothing whatsoever in common with wealthy politicians with extremist anti-liberal agendas.

So what? I recall things didn't get better under Blair, in fact, they got worse, so the choice of music reaveals nothing.  

Former Tory prime minister David Cameron listed one of his favourite songs as the Jam’s Eton Rifles which prompted the Jam’s Paul Weller to retort “Which bit didn’t you get? … It wasn’t intended as a fucking jolly drinking song for the cadet corps.” When Cameron also admitted to liking the Smiths, guitarist Johnny Marr said simply: “Stop saying that you like The Smiths, no you don’t. I forbid you to like it.”

Boff thinks this is exposing something about politicians. It's not. It's exposing something about progressive songwriters.  

Giving Them An Inch...

...and they are taking a mile:

Businesses seeking contracts from a London council are being vetted on their commitments to 'LGBT values'.

Camden Council will scrutinise companies and their employees to ensure they hold the appropriate beliefs about issues such as gender and sexuality.

Internal documents from the council sourced through Freedom of Information requests say: 'We are beginning to ask businesses to demonstrate their commitment to LGBTQ+ equality before we procure them.'

That's going to throw a few spanners in the works with Muslim companies, isn't it? Assuming that it applies to all, of course... 

It's No Such Thing...

...and we should frankly welcome it:

Merely to state that biological sex matters could be enough to confer this disgrace.

You might call it a disgrace, we should look on it as a badge on honour. 

Yesterday it was reported that Britain might soon be expelled from the UN's 'Human Rights Council' because our own Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) has previously recommended that single-sex spaces should be protected according to a person's physical sex rather than their more nebulous 'gender identity'.

Wait a minute, what value does it hold anyway?

Following complaints against the EHRC from trans-rights groups — including Stonewall — a process has begun that could see the EHRC's ranking by the UN slip below that of comparable organisations in such bastions of liberty as Palestine and Zimbabwe, leaving us on a par with Libya and Venezuela. We would be, in short, a pariah.

*shrugs*

Its 'Human Rights Council', so ready to censure Britain over whether trans women should enter female changing rooms, has members from the notably liberal regimes of China, Cuba and Pakistan. Only a few weeks ago, it appointed Iranian diplomat Ali Bahreini to chair its 'Social Forum' in Geneva. Bahreini is the representative of a savage theocracy that hangs gay people, executes protesters and deploys its squads of moral guardians to beat up women who refuse to wear the burka.

Exactly! Why should we want to belong to a club that has such members anyway? 

'...but I don't think we should change something because one person doesn't agree.'

'There are still some things we need to learn about Danish humour working in the UK.'

Blimey, Morten, it's not just that you need to learn about, it's how the wokies work as well! One person is more than enough, now, I'm afraid.

I don't understand the obsession some diners have with free water in restaurants - you're going out for (probably) a vastly more expensive meal than staying in and cooking, and that's what you choose to quibble about? I hardly bother drinking it anyway, unless it's a scorching hot day. Waiter! The wine list, please...

Bending The Language To Breaking Point...

A former Metropolitan Police officer has been found guilty of sending an offensive racist message following a BBC Newsnight investigation.The court heard that he shared an image in the WhatsApp group in September 2022 that the prosecution described as "grossly offensive".

Was it? Reader, you decide:  

The image showed parrots of different colours and children of different ethnicities. It read: "Why do we cherish the variety of colour in every species except our own?"

And underneath, said: "Because I've never had a bike stolen out of my front yard by a parrot."

Chadwell then sent the message "oops, not too woke", the court heard.

It's not only funny, it's accurate! 

On finding Chadwell guilty, deputy magistrate Tanweer Ikram told the court: "He thought it was funny, but it was grossly offensive, and he was aware of it at the time."

*shakes head sadly* How did we come to this?

So, You're Liars?

The 'Guardian' prints another sob-story by illegal immigrants:

There were 39 of us on the barge, from different countries. We are people escaping torture, persecution and imprisonment.

What, in France? Oh, please! 

We were forced to leave our homes, our jobs and our families, and we hoped to find safety in the UK.

You had safety in France. You left it.  

When we were told we would be moved to the Bibby Stockholm, we became worried, not least because we were warned it was dangerous. However, we are law-abiding and wanted to respect the decision of the authorities.

If you were law abiding, you'd have followed our immigration laws. But you didn't, did you? 

On board, although none of us are criminals, we were constrained by the tight security, and we felt far removed from normal life.

You are all criminal. That's the reason for your removal from normal life.  

The government is putting us against the public, by saying this is your taxpayers’ money being wasted on asylum seekers.

I think you'll find that the public is fully in agreement with the government, for once. 

We feel as if we are being hunted by the Home Office, when all we want now is a system that treats us fairly, a swift interview, a stable future and a voice.

And if that 'swift interview' doesn't grant you the future you want? What then? You'll give up trying to enter the UK illegally? 

Yeah, sure.

Imagine Feeling The Need To Say This..?

The boss of retailer Co-op Food has warned people to not defend shoplifters and that the majority are drug gangsters.

Who on earth is 'defending' shoplifting..? 

Matt Hood, Co-op Food managing director, made the remarks after denying that an uptick in thefts at the retailer's stores was a response to the alleged profiteering by supermarkets during tough times.

Oh, right. Of course! I should have known...

In comments made to the Telegraph, he said that the reason for the slew of thefts was mainly because shoplifters use baby formula 'to cut drugs'. The grocer has recorded its highest levels of crime in the six months to June, seeing almost 1,000 incidents a day. This marks a 35 per cent increase year-on-year.

And it helps if the government has a handy scapegoat to deflect attention from their own lack of competence to deal with such issues as rampant crime caused by lazy cops, doesn't it? 

Many, including the Government, have accused the grocery sector of 'greedflation' over the past 12 months as consumers tighten their belts amid the cost-of-living pressures.

Any, errr, evidence of this so-called 'greedflation'..? 

Despite some supermarkets being accused of ripping their shoppers off, the Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) has said it has not found any evidence of profiteering in the industry.

Didn't think so... 

Mair Godley, Useful Idiot...

Mair Godley is distressed for both the asylum seekers and residents about the situation all have found themselves in without having any choice in the matter.

Actually, Mair, they did have a choice. They could have stayed in France... 

She said: “We are all dumbfounded by the speed with which this has happened. The Home Office don’t seem to understand that this is not just about us, it’s about two communities of human beings, both as important as each other.

But only one community which has the right to be here, Mair... 

“We have asked the guards on the base if we can talk to the asylum seekers but they just say no, we have to ask the Home Office. We want to find a way to bring the two communities together. The Home Office has made this place look like a stalag.”

Rather approprite, then, Mair. Since stalags were used to house prisoners of war. And a war is undoubtedly what we're in. And every war, it seems, has to have its Quislings... 

Sure You're Worrying About The Right Identity Group, Progressives?

Oh, those awful white right wing Christians, eh?

Oh! Ooops...

But You And Your Cronies Lit The Fire In The First Place...

Oxford University’s new professor of LGBTQ+ history has accused the government of “fanning a culture war” over freedom of speech, insisting it is alive and well in higher education.

*hollow laughter* 

But wait! What on earth is 'a professor of LGBTQ+ history', anyway?

Matt Cook, who was this week named as the first Jonathan Cooper chair of the history of sexualities, a newly created post at Mansfield College...

Oh... 

Cook said the issue had been blown out of proportion and there were only a “tiny fraction” of cases where speakers were cancelled.

Gosh, imagine someone saying that about immigrant murderers, or 'hate crimes'. He'd be lucky to get out of town alive! 

“So my sense is that it’s not a huge problem. I think the issue has been blown out of proportion. I also think there’s some political expediency in this. It’s a way of fanning a culture war. I don’t think we need additional protections for free speech in the university. Free speech is pretty alive and well.”

No-one ever thinks they need protection when they are saying exactly what everyone in their tiny circle agrees with... 

“The trans people I know currently are facing real daily prejudice that’s misogynistic, transphobic. And I think we need to think very seriously about how we allow everybody in this country to have a livable life, and that includes trans people. ”

I won't bother asking exactly what 'rights' trans men and women are lacking, because it's something that never gets a satisfactory answer... 

Don't Bother, We Know What The Answer's Going To Be...

The UK charities watchdog is assessing whether it will take action against Oxfam after receiving complaints about a cartoon published by the charity that ignited a row about transgender issues.

This watchdog has no teeth, after all. And no backbone. 

Oxfam International, which commissioned the cartoon as part of its gender justice campaign strand, subsequently published a re-edited version. It apologised for the “offence it caused” and said it had “made a mistake”.

Why on earth should a charity set up to feed starving children even have a 'gender justice strand' in the first place? 

The Charity Commission said it was assessing the complaints in the context of its regulatory and risk framework, which requires it to take action if it considers a charity has undermined public trust and confidence in the charity sector.

There's a long, long list of those before you get around to Oxfam, isn't there? 

Are Race Grifters A 'Community' Now..?

The British Film Institute is embroiled in a court action against a Black Lives Matter activist over an alleged £216,000 sponsorship debt. Alisha Hall, 41, and her Hall Media Group Limited are subject of a winding-up petition launched by the BFI over the large sum it says is missing.

Gosh, how unprecedented! 

At the time BFI announced of the 65th festival: 'This year we were joined for the first time by The Liberation Initiatives as Main Partner, who supported a number of key programmes and helped in our continued efforts to make LFF more inclusive to underrepresented communities.'

Ah. if only you'd done a bit of due diligence before jumping into bed for the woke kudos... 

The Liberation Initiatives calls itself 'a force for systematic change against the social & economic disadvantages faced by marginalised communities'. It was founded in the aftermath of George Floyd's death in America.

There's something I need here in my....Ah! 

Got it! 

A Climate Of Fear...

The customer, who asked not to be named, said: "I was recently at Fortes and noticed they have a figurine of a monkey depicted as a human being begging for money. I believe they used it for tips."

So..? 

"Given the heightened issue in the pub in the UK displaying golly dolls, and the fact that these types of caricatures are racist towards black people, I asked to speak to the manager about it but they were not there.

"A member of staff seemed to be indifferent about the figurine saying it was just decor. It is highly offensive."

Why do I get the feeling this customer isn't themselves any kind of minority? Except of the sort that get their kicks from taking offense on behalf of others, and bullying people? 

Of course, sadly, though they are a minority, people are ceding them the power to act out of all proportion with their numbers... 

“I am very glad the owners have since decided to remove the figure. It’s really important that we reflect on how welcoming and inclusive our environments are here in the south west to people of all backgrounds.”

/facepalm 

Claire Heard, who runs the cafe with her husband Andy, said: "We would never endorse the use of any item which may have racist connotations as we take this very seriously. The figure of a monkey business card holder was removed as soon as the gentleman mentioned it may cause offence.

"We invite the gentleman to contact us directly for us to apologise further if he wishes and we thank him for his comments."

This kind of reflexive cringing is bound to encourage every Tom, Dick and Karen to have a go at anything they deem 'offensive', so thanks for that Claire... 

You Know What Else Is 'Not Proven', Sandy?

Critics of the not proven verdict, which dates from the 17th century, say it creates confusion for jurors and can stigmatise people amid limited public understanding it is an acquittal.

It's that you have the slightest clue about what you're doing.  

In the biggest shake-up of the legal system for decades, the centuries-old third option for jurors will be axed in a bid to increase Scotland's low rape conviction rate.

Is that a goal worth pursuing? Maybe. But it certainly isn't a goal worth overturning centuries of law for, as the lawyers themselves point out to her, not that she's listening: 

As part of the changes, victims will have their own 'tsar' to stand up for their rights – and a specialist sex crimes court will be set up.

Sandy Brindley, chief executive of Rape Crisis Scotland, said: 'There is a huge amount of research and evidence to suggest that these steps will not only make engaging with the justice system easier for survivors but lead to more justice being done.'

Justice for whom, exactly, Sandy? 

Murray Etherington, president of the Law Society of Scotland, backed by the Faculty of Advocates, criticised the proposed pilot scheme to allow judges to try people for rape – which carries a possible life sentence – without juries.

He said: 'Juries act as an essential and effective safeguard against the potential for unconscious biases to unfairly influence trial outcomes. Even on a pilot basis, judge-only trials will put that fundamental right in jeopardy, with no discernible benefits.'

And that's not all they have to be wary of in this bill: 

The Victims, Witnesses and Justice Reform (Scotland) Bill, will also change the size of criminal juries from 15 to 12, with eight guilty verdicts enough to secure a conviction – compared to a minimum of ten in England, where unanimous decisions are strongly encouraged.

Once again, Scotland's leading the race to the bottom... 

Ms Brindley said she has 'no doubt that guilty men are walking free'.

Never heard of Blackstone's Ratio have you, Sandy? 

Yes, But That's Exactly What Exactly What They Want To Prevent...

A row over Disney changing the words to a classsic song for the remake:

Someone else wrote: 'It makes sense that the villain say those things. Maybe instead of changing the lyrics, teach kids to think and reflect about those topic so they can develop critical thinking.'

Oh dear me, no. That will never do.... 

The War On Pets Continues...

Screaming headline!

Healthy dogs and cats could be passing on multidrug-resistant organisms to hospitalised owners.

Actual reality. 

However, the researchers stressed that the risk of cross-infection is currently low.

As usual with these reports, but most will just remember the headline, and they know it.  

Pet owners were asked to send swab samples of their pets and more than 300 did so.

Well, there you have it! These 300 are idiots. 

Of these samples, 15% of dogs and 5% of cats tested positive for at least one MDRO. In four cases, these microbes were found to be of the same species and showed the same antibiotic resistance between pets and their owners.

Four cases. Four! And when you dig deeper, it isn't even four... 

Whole genome sequencing confirmed that only one of the matching pairs were genetically identical in a dog and its owner.

Statistically insignificant. But no, these people have an agenda and they aren't going to let that stop them... 

“Although the level of sharing between hospital patients and their pets in our study is very low, carriers can shed bacteria into their environment for months, and they can be a source of infection for other more vulnerable people in hospital such as those with a weak immune system and the very young or old,” says Hackmann.

I think Fido and Tiddles will have to go some to beat the NHS in that regard, eh? 

It's Not Up To You To Decide What's Appropriate...

A top coroner has called on British military chiefs to stop giving retiring veterans ceremonial daggers after an ex-Army commando used one to kill his neighbours.

Because he couldn't possibly have used any other knife, like the dozens everyone has in their kitchen..? 

Somerset senior coroner, Samantha Marsh...

*sighs* 

Well, if you can't trust a former residential property solicitor to bring gravitas and common sense to a vital post like this, who can you trust?

 ...has written to Defence Secretary Ben Wallace and the Ministry of Defence and urged them to stop giving retiring troops weapons.

She wrote: 'The dagger was not a blunt replica, it was a fully functional weapon capable of causing significant harm, injury and sadly in the Chapples' case, death.

'Please reconsider the appropriateness of providing anyone leaving the British Army, regardless of rank or status, with what is (to all intents and purposes) a deadly weapon.

'Such presentation/gifting has essentially put a deadly weapon in the community (where I understand it sadly remains, having never been recovered as it was removed from the scene prior to police attendance) and I am not persuaded that this is appropriate.'

And who told you that assuring what gift it was appropriate for the Army to give retiring soldiers was part of your duty, Samantha? 

She added that Mr Wallace and the MoD are under a duty to respond to her report - which was also sent to the Chief Constable of Avon and Somerset Police - by April 25.

I hope they send the SAS to deliver it. To her front door, in the dead of night. Pinned to it with a ceremonial dagger... 

"...come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they'll never take our freedom!"

They'll take it anyway, from those who can't fight.

Edinburgh is now the first European capital to commit to axing meat from its menus in schools, hospitals and nursing homes.

Note, all places where those confined within them often can't leave. How brave. 

A council report said: 'Overall, the science is clear: Meat and dairy consumption must reduce to achieve climate targets.'

Then ban the sale of milk and meat in Scotland. If you can, without pitchforks and flaming torches featuring in your future. 

But you know you can't. So you'll pick on those who can't fight back. 

The move comes days before Burns Night – the centrepiece of which is haggis, traditionally made from a sheep's liver, lungs, heart and stomach.

Offal, in other words. Maybe this year they could give the sheep a rest and make it out of the innards of a bureaucrat? 

Thank God For 'Experts'!

Ask any child their favourite film, and there is quite a high chance they will name a Disney movie, like 'Beauty and the Beast' or 'Aladdin'.

However, experts believe that these films are giving them the wrong idea about what a healthy relationship looks like.

You mean, it's not a good idea to fall in love with a thief? Or take up bestiality?  

Researchers at the University of Exeter surveyed young people and found they had the desire to learn skills to help them develop relationships at school.

What..? Really? 

Study author Simon Benham-Clarke said: 'Those we surveyed highlighted the importance of teaching skills such as relating, communication, empathy, respect, conflict resolution and repair and ending relationships kindly and safely.

'Our research shows schools need improved support to run relationships education, including specialist expertise and resources, and guidance on signposting pupils to external sources of help.

'Positive relationship behaviours should be modelled, integrated and built on throughout curriculums nationally and reflected in a school's ethos.'

Where on earth are schools to find the time for all this? What's this nonsence based on?

...the researchers conducted focus groups with 24 young people aged between 14 and 18.

*sighs* 

One female participant said: 'I think it actually does create this toxic image to some degree… it's very much the female is feeble, and she must be saved by the male, and it kind of creates a toxic masculinity.'

Another added: 'It's embedded into our heads that it's always Prince Charming and it's always the prince and the princess … you don't understand it until you actually get to it, and that's when you realise that it's not like Disney movies or anything.'

Well, love, that's life for you. Frankly, I understood that well before the age of 14...